Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
