You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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