Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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