Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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