Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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