literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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