You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
