She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I love having hate sex.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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