First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize