I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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