and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
