i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
