New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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