I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
