Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
