1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize