Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
