She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
