3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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