We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
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