I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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