would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize