Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
