He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize