Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
