apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
