Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
