I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
