Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
