she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
