i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
