Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize