You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
