My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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