I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
