Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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