the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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