if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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