put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
