I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
