i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Don't EVER smell your tampon
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize