I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
