I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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