I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
