Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
