I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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