I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
