I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He has the fingertips of a God
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