1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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