you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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