she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
