I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
