Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
