I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
