I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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