Welp...herpes.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
