i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
