I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
