I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
