I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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