My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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