i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
and eventually we just all took our pants off
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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