mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
