You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
